Fountain of Youth

My body seems to be aging at the speed of light. My main trouble spot is the deep, vertical crevice that runs between my eyes right above my nose. It almost looks like I was knifed in a fight. If I open my eyes really wide it sort of disappears, but then diagonal wrinkles run from east to west across my forehead. I'm thinking of using Scotch tape to tape from my temples to behind my ears, which will stretch out that area. Now if could use Scotch type for the forehead, what to do for the gluteus maximus? Something stronger perhaps, like duct tape.

Do you remember that girl from Willy Wonka that turned into a giant blueberry? At my age no one will accuse me of being pregnant, but that's what it looks like. I swear you can see my skin grow without using time-lapse photography. The Incredible Hulk probably didn't bust through as many shirts as I seem to be doing lately. One of these days, one of my buttons will bust free from that last thread and blind a passerby. The only upside of all of this is that instead of donating my husband's clothes, I just wear them. The latest article of clothing are his belts.

My hairdresser is using so many foils pieces to do my hair I'm starting to pick up radio stations in Florida. Right now my vanity outweighs my pocketbook, but there will come a day that I don't think dying the roots weekly will be healthy.

Sigh, I know eventually one must accept all of this and age gracefully. Until then I'm looking for quick fixes for improvement; and I think I've found the fountain of youth. While going into my refrigerator in the basement for a soda, I discovered the cake from Easter. It had been kept in my Tupperware container all this time and still looked edible. Michael Jackson may have had his oxygen chamber, but I'm thinking if we could have a Tupperware-encased bed with a breathing tube, we could stay fresh forever!