Who Changed the Dryer Setting to Hot?

There's a laundry poltergeist at my house who's turned up the dryer a notch. This has been very frustrating because all my clothes shrank two sizes. My abode's apparitions sit and snicker while I'm dressing when they see the edges of my sweater not meeting in the middle. It wasn't as horrible when you could take a big breath and manage to slip the buttons in their proper place, but lately each side of the sweater is like opposite poles of a magnet resisting contact.

Further proof of these goblins are my belts and bras. Since bras are not put in the dryer and belts, of course, just hang in the closet, the only logical explanation is these creatures have been twiddling with the furnace again. The humidity setting has been increased and it's always hot, which explains why I wake up sweaty in the middle of the night.

To further complicate matters, these sinister spirits have changed the surface of my mirror from flat-planed to convex, causing images to magnify. The bags under my eyes are more noticeable. Another big chuckle for these demons is when they dabble with the lights just as you remove your clothes to get in the shower. Somehow it's as if the light is shined directly on you and your silhouette looks like Santa against the shower wall.

Now friends have suggested this could all be signs of menopause, but that would mean you have mood swings. Hmmm, this could explain the look of fear in my husband's eyes when he's uttered words he can't take back like when I was trying to get on a pair of pants and he lovingly suggested maybe I had grabbed his by mistake. If my eyes could turn my thoughts to laser beams, there would have been nothing left of him but a puddle.

I'm starting to think the issue of Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde is that Hyde was a woman whose estrogen had fallen so low she went stark raving mad. Think about it; mannish attributes start to appear. Hair starts growing different areas. Your upper lip; your chin. I'm like the Sorcerer's apprentice as the faster I pluck the faster the little buggers grow back in.

The good news is,once you've crossed from perimenopausal to being a full fledged member of the menopause club, you only have somewhere between one and ten years left and you're home free. Gee, that should help lift my mood swing.