Enigma - Who am I?

Remember the Skechers claim when you wear their tone up shoes?  Well, I think I got the dyslexic version of the supposedly slimming sneaker – my backside got bigger and my topside tinier.

My whole life has been that type of a contradiction.  It started with my vacillating vision of what to be when I grew up.  I had it narrowed down between a missionary and a go-go dancer.  Never conventional were my aspirations.

Not quite raised to be a stay-at-home mom, but not enough college to support myself comfortably, I found Mr. Right and marched my way down the aisle to suburban marital bliss.  Don’t misunderstand me.  Life has been good.  I have been happy.  It just left me wondering – what could I have become if I applied myself to something; anything.

There has not been a moment when I have been on my own.  From the safety of my childhood home to college, from college to apartment living with roommates and then into the arms of my husband and our own home, I have never had to worry about a roof over my head.

It’s time for some worry in my life.  Worry molds you, shapes you.   As long as you keep the clay moist, you can reshape the warbles that alter the shape of your choices.  I may have started out a vase and ended up a cup.  But as long as I find my intended purpose, the vessel is irrelevant.

Fifty was a milestone birthday.  I no longer want to be the dutiful daughter or complacent co-worker.  It sounds so wrong, against everything I was raised to believe.  I know I will still be all these things, but I am anxious to finally learn to be me.

March to Your Own Beat

It's good to be unique, however, unless you're rich enough to be considered eccentric, most will just label you as nuts.  The other day I went to Menards and asked if they had any bat houses.  The lady says, "you're the first who's ever asked for one of these."  If no one asks for them, why are they selling them?  At Walt Disney World, I requested a Coca Cola half regular/half diet. The vendor says he's waited on hundreds of thousands of people and that's the first time he's ever gotten that request.  What's so weird about that?  You get let less calories, but more of the real Coca Cola flavor.

Life's too short to be boring.  Even as a child when most were asking for dolls, I wanted stilts.  Guess I secretly wanted to join the circus.  Another item I wanted, but never got was a unicycle.  My parents thought it was just a passing fancy, but then the next year it was asked for again, and the next and the next.  Guess they thought the idea would eventually pass.  My mother must have felt guilty because she bought me a unicycle Christmas ornament one year.

While other children quietly watched the t.v. while their parents square danced, I was outside in the field attempting to catch a mouse.  One the way home, I was telling my parents about my mouse encounter and my dad said, "you shouldn't play with mice, they might bite you."  It was at that moment I realized I had never heard either of my parents swear.  Mom said things like "bug juice" when she was mad, but when I announced that the mouse did indeed bite me, dad said "s**t."  I was more stunned at his swearing than the fact I was bit by a mouse.  He whipped the car around and headed for the hospital.

Now it can also be said I was a bit of a smart aleck as a child.  When the nurse asked if we had the mouse, I'm like "no, I flung him off my finger."  She asked if we could go back and retrieve the mouse.  I asked "How?  By looking for the one with the blood on his teeth?"  Ah, my parents were so proud.  Because we had no mouse, my parents had the fun decision of debating between my getting rabies treatments or crossing their fingers and taking a chance.  Not sure if they flipped a coin or what, but they opted out of rabies treatments.  Maybe they decided it was a win/win situation.  They saved money on the procedure and if it turned out badly, they would have one less mouth to feed.  Everything turned out fine, but it could explain why I sometimes foam at the mouth when I'm mad. 

To this day I still want to try new things.  At 30 I tried ice skating and at 40 went to night school to work on completing my Bachelor's degree.  Now at 50 I just want to be able to bend over and tie my shoes without blacking out from the jeans cutting off my air supply as they dig into my abdomen.

As long as my heart keeps beating, I'll march to that beat, however offbeat it may be from others.